I don’t care that Bear Grylls is English and rather tall.  Les Stroud is much cooler and far more authentic.  Also, he just seems generally more trustworthy.  Survivorman is a much better show than Man vs. Wild.  Les Stroud approaches the wilderness with much more dignity and care than Bear appears to.  Bear, well… he tears some shit up.  Les seems far more considerate.

Also, Les is older than me, which makes me feel awesome.  Five years and five days older than me, to be exact.  He’s smart, in good shape and generally behaves as though he’s a downright likable guy, the kind you’d want to crack open a  few coconuts with.

Les eats strange and wild things in his shows because he kind of has to.  You know Bear and his crew have provisions behind the scenes.  I mean, they would have to, wouldn’t they?  The camera crew’s not eating grubs and Bear’s discarded fish parts.  It seems pointless for Bear to eat a live scorpion just to prove that it can be done.  Poor little scorpion!  Dead for nothing, cooler full of steaks just out of frame.  :(

And what the hell kind of name is "Bear", anyway?  All kinds of stuff wanders through my mind when I hear it.  If I were him, I probably would’ve stuck with Edward, or some derivative thereof.  Or changed my name to Jack.  There just aren’t enough Jacks about these days.  Jake is a good name, too, but I don’t care for Jacob.  Is this a tangent?  Why, yes, I think it is. 

This is not to say that Bear is not rather handsome.  I can’t deny it — he’s not the television equivalent of hot pokers being driven into my eyes.  Be that as it may, this is not a beauty contest, and I am not one to forgive the pretty their transgressions merely because they are pretty.  Pretty is as pretty does.  It’s not like I get away with every last little thing, and look at me!  I mean really look at me!  I’m stunning!  Where’s my blank check?  Do I have diplomatic immunity?  It sure didn’t seem like it when I rear-ended that van back in 2000.  I got a ticket and everything.  The infamy! 

Bear, Les has you beat, dude.  Stop biting the heads off of little snakes and go take a lovely bubble bath or something.