When the movie was over, an usher came in and pointed to a yellow cone on the floor, and made an announcement.  "Somebody vomited over here, so be careful."

I laughed a little, turned to my husband and remarked in happy surprise, "Wow, somebody really threw up!"  He said, "I actually feel a little nauseous, myself." 

I patted him and said, "Oh, don’t worry.  It was probably just the wooden dialog."

I don’t get motion sickness, and I adjust readily to shaky-cam, but Cloverfield offers plenty to complain about that has nothing to do with the cinéma vérité-style filming.  First and foremost, the monster is late.  Being a dedicated monster movie fan (the entire reason why I kind of had to see this thing), I will admit that the monster is often late and never gets enough screen time.  But this monster is really late, and it hurts extra-much because the set-up is so very, very tedious.

WARNING:  While I think this movie is impossible to spoil (the premise and the first thirty seconds sell out the ending), stop reading here if you’re worried about it.

Rob, who is moving to Japan, is "in love" with a girl who’s out of his league, Beth.  The relationships between Rob, Beth, Rob’s sister-in-law-to-be Lily, brother Jason, douchebag friend Hud and Hud’s crush Marlena are peeled, pureed, and delivered by feeding tube.  The dialog is forced and boring.   When the first crash and screams finally game, I exclaimed, "Thank God!"

What was dubious:

1. If you pull a girl off of a length of rebar poking up through her left boob, she’s not going to be able to use her arm much, and should probably not be subject to passionate, shoulder-rotating hugs.  Also, she might bleed.  Just a wild guess.
2. That a consumer-grade camcorder can survive being dropped, bled on, crashed in a helicopter and bitten by a giant monster.  Also, it didn’t seem to ever run out of juice, or tape.
3. I don’t know much about New York City, but I know enough to wonder whether more than four people would’ve thought to head for the subway tunnels.
4. That one building leaning on another and just kind of staying that way would actually ever happen.  It did look neat.
5. That a military officer would escort you and your friends out of a temporary base to go rescue your rebar-skewered girlfriend.  Come on.

What was cool:

1. Of course you should follow the rats.  They are smarter than you and have a reason for packing and running in any particular direction.  I would always follow the rats in case of disaster.  In fact, I would be seeking out the rats so I could follow them.  Not kidding.
2. The Brooklyn Bridge scene.  The twang of snapping cables is always a winner, and the Brooklyn Bridge is just such a warhorse and an icon.  It’s marvelous with all its tough charm.
3. The scenes when people are running through the streets and climbing in ruins were pretty cool, though we were disappointed that we didn’t get to see Manhattan get nuked, as it was made quite clear that was the plan.
4. The monster.  It’s cute.  There should have been MORE MONSTER.  WAY more monster.  And more property damage.

With Godzilla movies, the monster’s motivation is pretty clear most of the time.  The Cloverfield monster just sort of turns up in Manhattan for no particular reason, starts shedding bitey, multi-legged parasites by the dozen, knocks over buildings, almost eats at least one dufus, and we never understand why.  I would have liked to understand the monster more, to really get to know him or her (or it).  In one of the later scenes, we do finally come face to face with the creature.  I really like that scene, because we actually get to see the monster’s eyes, and inflating head sacs.  Perhaps it thought Hud was a nature show host.

I give this movie two giant moth eggs out of five.