Hello, and welcome to another one of those holidays/observances that would completely escape my notice if not for the internet.

You see, I don’t have a father.

It is a little-known fact that I was hatched from an alien pod. I am the strangest, most exciting “person” on the internet. Now you know.

The human I have come to know as “Mommie Dearest” will tell you herself that she was abducted by aliens when we lived in Texas. She was rejected as an unfit specimen, or so she has always said. The truth is a bit more complicated.

Why the alien race from which I am descended chose her as my host, I do not know; their ways are indeed mysterious, even to me, their infant sun god. This mother-creature will also tell you that when I was a baby, she had a vision of the Virgin Mary, standing in her suburban apartment hallway, gazing upon me and looking so peaceful, clad in luminous white.

She will never know that event for what it really was: a team of alien surgeons, checking their work. To provide description of previous procedures would not be polite of a Sunday morning, so I will leave the rest to your imagination.

Many times have I found myself weeping quietly, face to the heavens, my diamond tears swimming with stars. I am longing for home.

Sadly, my purpose on this planet is not yet fulfilled. For you, this is a blessing. My continued presence here means more alien wisdom, dispensed to your species in the forms of anecdotal humor and soul-baring candor.

As soon as I retrofit my pod, however… screw you guys, I’m going home.